June 22, 1998

This journal entry is different from my others. No photos, no talk about the "shot that got away" nothing like that. Infact, I'm not even going to talk to you about anything that remotely resembles newspaper work. So, if that's what your expecting today, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I come from a large family. There are seven of us counting my parents and I remember growing up and having a hard time getting into the bathroom- typical big family. My oldest brother, John, is a career Air Force officer and has just been promoted to Lt. Colonel and works at the Pentagon. I've always admired John because of his work ethic and his intelligence. He's earned everything he has and I'm very proud of him because of that. My sister Rosemary lives in Montgomery, Alabama and works for an accounting firm that specializes in doctors and medical clients. Rosemary has gone to night school to get her degree and is also studying to be a Lawyer- I hope reaches her goal in a few years. My brother Mike is the one that I shared a room with while growing up and now as adults feel more akin to him than anyone- he too is a photographer and is a photo officer in the U.S. Navy. He's currently between assignments but may go to Sarajavo shortly. With all of the posturing and threats in the news there recently, I worry about him going. Our families' claim to fame is that Mike was one of the White House Television staff members and served under former Presidents Reagan and Bush. You can imagine the surprise that my parents got when they received a Christmas card from the White House... I also have fond memories of working side-by-side with my brother when President Bush would make his frequent trips to Montgomery for a bout of fishing. Then there's my sister Jackie, who is closest to me in age. Her real name is Jacqueline Ann, but for as far back as I can remember, we called her Jackie.

As far as sisters go, Jackie is about as good as they get. I remember her bubbly personality and her uncanny ability to make me laugh when things didn't seem to be going very well. She has a smile that radiates to everyone and a familiar laugh. Jackie is the one who on my 10th birthday, set aside her entire day to spend with me.

When we were in high school, Jackie had a friend named Beverly Robinson who was an accomplished volleyball player. She took Jackie under her wing and showed her the techniques for being better than average in volleyball. Bev moved shortly afterwards and my sister Jackie committed herself to the gym daily for a self-imposed practice. She played volleyball for Carver High School in Montgomery the following year and turned out to be the diamond in the ruff for the team. Eventually, she caught the attention of the coaches at the Mississippi University for Women in Columbus, Mississippi. They offered her a full athletic scholarship and she earned a teaching certificate, got married and moved to Winter Haven, Florida, where she was the high school biology teacher. She was even named favorite teacher by the student body her first year.

When I moved to Winter Haven it was Jackie and her husband, Mansour, who let me stay with them while I found an apartment. We ended up being neighbors- living only a block away from each other. Shortly before I moved there, Jackie started working on her masters degree in Sports medicine and was interning at Florida Southern College in nearby Lakeland.

I remember going there several times to talk to her and watch her work. She's good at sports medicine because she has the personality for it. No matter what the circumstances are, Jackie can think of something to make you laugh the pain away. I remember one time visiting her during a basketball tournament. Being an all day event, my dear sister got hungry and decided that little brother should go to the TCBY and get her an ice cream cone. Well, being the poor photojournalist that I was, I didn't have the money with me to pay to get back into the gym after leaving, so my sister gave me a "credential" and told me to tie it to my belt to look a little more "official". I ordered the ice cream and noticed that the clerk kept looking down at my pass and after a moment, asked "how's the tournament going?". I said "OK" and left at that. On the way back to the gym, I looked down and noticed that my sister had given me a credential that said "tournament doctor". At the ripe old age of 22, I understood why the clerk kept looking at me funny. Typical "Jackie joke"...

During my time in Winter Haven, Jackie and I talked regularly and I shared some very nice moments with her. I remember visiting her at the college on my way to pick up a date- I talked to her because I was nervous and needed to tell someone that I was nervous.

Eventually, I got a job offer in Talladega, Alabama and moved away from Winter Haven. Jackie stayed there for another year or so and then moved to Titusville, Florida because her husband had accepted a job with Boeing Aircraft. Eventually, they had a little girl- Shada and later, a little boy- Daniel and bought a house and are working hard to bring their children up right, pay the bills and live a good life.

I too got involved in my career, got married and had a son and over the years have grown distant from my sister Jackie, who now lives in Jacksonville, Florida. The distance is compounded by misunderstandings, hurt feelings and being too busy with everything else. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming my sister or even myself- sometimes things just happen, and this to me, is one of those situations. Over the years, I've had days that I've been very angry with her for not telling me about important things in her life while other days, I wonder how she is and if her life is going well- I truly miss her on many days.

I called my parents this past weekend and immediately noticed that my mothers tone wasn't a normal one. She told me that on Thursday, a doctor had diagnosed my sister Jackie with a brain tumor. It hit me hard and at moments, I've had to hold back my emotions. Today at work, I was thinking about this and almost broke down right at my desk. And even now, I find myself taking breaks to gather myself back together as I write this. My sister Jackie, as usual is taking things in stride- she went to Baltimore this week to get her annual recertification in sports medicine, so I haven't had the opportunity to talk to her, but I will before the 23rd, which is when she's scheduled to have her surgery.

I'm really not too sure what I'm going to say to her at this point. I think that I need to tell her that she's in my thoughts and that I love her. But beyond that, I really don't know. I'm not the greatest at expressing my emotions verbally, as my wife will attest to- and I suppose that's why I got into newspapers instead of TV. In most cases, I can always write what I can't say and I feel that this will probably be one of those occasions.

According to my parents, the doctors are very optimistic about getting all of the tumor and they believe that it is benign so, thank God for that. I really want to be there during the surgery, but have been told that there's not much that I can do. Still, I have this feeling of helplessness and feel like I should be doing something- anything is better than nothing at all. So, I'm hoping that maybe I can get down to Jacksonville in the coming weeks to see her. Until then, I've decided that the best that I can do is keep good thoughts, say a prayer for her and put the rest in the hands of the doctors and God.

And as you read this, please keep her in your thoughts and remember to learn from the mistake that I've made. Life- especially that of those you love, is fleeting. Take the moment to call those who you haven't talked to lately. Let them know that you love them and that they will always have a special place in your heart.

I'll let you know how things go.

Mark.

Behind the Viewfinder - A Year in the Life of Photojournalism
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