Assigned on Monday night to photograph a Mass vigil for the Littleton, Colorado victims, I headed off to one of our local parishes to get pictures for a memorial service held for the Columbine students. When I arrived at the Church, Mass had started; typical Mass, homily devoted to concern for victims and victims' families out in Colorado, as well as the perpetrators of the violence. My assignment was to get pictures of the Youth Group which had organized the Mass.

But they were not in any way discernible from my vantage point. Observing as I was, from the side of the Church, I could see that a few of the students were prayerful, though I didn't know if these were the students I needed to photograph. For most of the students, the mere fact of my presence irrevocably altered the situation for me in terms of pictures. Some of the kids were a little giddy and much as I tried to ignore them or move away, there was really nowhere else for me to shoot in the small church. Shooting with a long lens was my best shot, and I tried to concentrate on the kids who were deep in thought/prayer, or who at least were pretending not to see me. As a Catholic, I remember well being at Mass sometimes with classmates, and once someone would start to laugh or giggle, it would become contagious and difficult to keep a straight face unless a priest or nun came up and reprimanded us.

I was getting frustrated by the situation and tried my best to not pay attention to those kids caught up in teenage antics.

As the Mass progressed, the students from the 7th grade Confirmation class picked up votive candles and brought them to the altar, doing almost a runwalk, in no way conducive to getting any kind of picture. The combination of the dim lighting and actual events did not allow for any meaningful photographs and my frustration was mounting at the lack of success in terms of a picture, not to mention annoyance at the kids themselves for, well, acting like kids. I was hoping for at least one teen to behave like I thought the circumstances warranted, but perhaps I expected too much.

At the end of Mass, I told Father Murphy that it was a very nice service, but that I did not have a picture that told the story. He suggested a group shot but I boo -hooed that as being something I "would never do." But to my surprise, the next words I uttered were to ask the kids to gather around the alter with their candles, and do what they thought was appropriate. The kids then began saying some "Our Fathers" and "Hail Mary's." The prayers became more meaningful as I held back shooting. The kids finally became less aware of me, and continued to pray for several minues while I started shooting with a wide angle lens. The truth of the matter is, I became acutely aware that this was as set up a shot as any I'd ever heard of, the equivalent of a grip and grin, or a grip and grimace, with me doing the grimacing.

A little girl then came up to the altar and looked as if she might kneel down, but when she saw me, started walking away. I told her it was ok to come up on the altar and she knelt and said a prayer, but my conscience told me this, too, was way way out of my own realm of believability. I wanted to go back to the editors and say: "I came up empty," but instead, I scanned three pictures, and readily admitted they were set up.

One editor's comment was: "Hey Susan, you're making a very good argument not to run any of these photos." I said: "Hey, this is what happened. There simply wasn't a picture before this. I've never ever orchestrated a shot before, but there was no picture before this." The editor was worried that people who had been at the Mass would see the picture and know that this didn't really happen. I had to agree with her but I said: "This is what happened; there was nothing visual that told the story before the end of Mass, there was no crying, no tears, no embracing, no real prayerfulness and this is what I did. It's up to you to decide with caption information, perhaps, to run or not to run the photograph."

The kids were not being intentionally disrespectful; but my presence somehow dominated what was happening. Like it or not, I didn't get a meaningful picture, aside from what was happening on the altar with the priest and altar servers.

Today, the paper ran the group photograph of the kids in prayer with an indication that a Mass had been held in memory of the Columbine students who were killed. As an image maker, my frustration led me to a place I've not been before in an event/news type situation. That I was forthcoming to the editors and publisher eased my conscience only a little.

Students from St. Gabriel's Church Youth Group organized a Mass during which they lit candles and said prayers in memory of Columbine High School students killed in Colorado. Photographs © 1999 Susan B. Markisz/The Riverdale Press

Seven year old Katie Shkreli knelt near vigil candles which were placed on the altar of St. Gabriel's Church in memory of the victims of the Columbine High School shooting, on Monday evening after a Vigil Mass. Photographs © 1999 Susan B. Markisz/The Riverdale Press

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